Strained Middle has been working on a model to help estranged families form better dynamics for all of the people caught in the middle of these strained relationships.
Rather than focus on resolving the estrangement or resuming contact, Empathy Agreements help consolidate everyone’s values, boundaries, and goals in one place so that families can reduce some of the painful, escalated dynamics that emerge and ripple out during protracted estrangements.
Empathy agreements address the following five issues, with a focus on supporting all parties’ feelings and boundaries so the estrangement sitation can be more comfortable:
1) Narrative – What story will be told to explain the estrangement, especially to children? Can we reduce stigma to all parties involved?
2) Occasions – How will the broader family navigate inviting people (or not inviting them) to family events? What will happen if everyone ends up in the same place? Can we make this comfortable for everyone caught in the middle?
3) Support – Even if people are not talking, they may want to still be helpful to one another. What kind of support do folks still want to offer, either day-to-day or during crises? And what support to those in the middle?
4) Information – What information do people want to share about their lives even if they are not talking? How? How can we ensure people caught in the middle are not burdened with secrets?
5) Growth – What goals, if any, are there for future growth? What are everybody’s needs? What might be necessary for the relationships to improve one day, if that’s still possible?
The Process
If you’re interested in an empathy agreement for your family, please Contact Us and a professional dispute resolver will share the next steps for [1] reaching out to all of the family members, [2] inviting them to fill out an electronic form expressing their wishes for the five categories above, and [3] receiving a private summary of everyone’s forms so the family can consider an Empathy Agreement during the estrangement. They can agree to this without ever communicating directly, or engage more support if the parties would like a conflict resolution professional to help them further discuss their agreement.